Tuesday, May 24, 2005
HAVE you been in a crossroad or at least have felt like being in this kind of crucial, confusing, life-and-death and oh well, yes, depressing state? It’s hard being in this phase. It feels like the whole world is on your shoulders. The problem is not just choosing which road to take and where to go but what is it that you really like in life—in deeper sense, what your purpose is.
PURPOSE. That word seems to be very difficult to understand or shall I say, to discriminate from other things that your heart desires—my heart desires. I have always been a dreamer. Since I was young (well, I’m still young. I mean back in the days when I can still go around the house just wearing my undies ;p), I have always found myself daydreaming. I imagined myself as an astronaut, a gymnast, a pilot, an architect, an engineer, a marine biologist, a novelist, lawyer, a writer-researcher, a traveler, a musician or composer and a dentist. And why not, of having my own family, a good husband and kids who are like my best friends, too (before, I used to dream of having just a son or daughter and no husband… I was man-hater then but that’s a different story). So anyway...BIG dreams they were! That’s one thing why kids are better of than grown ups. They’ve got lots of dreams and yes, confidence to dream BIG. They have FAITH.
FAITH. As I journeyed on and turned away from the colorful world of childhood, this just grew faint as well. Perhaps it’s because of other’s comments and insults. Though most of them were not meant to hurt me, they left a seemingly perpetual anguish inside. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I’m always scared to try, to take the challenge, to go for the win, though deep inside, an innate voice of a fighter, a dreamer and an idealist entreats to be heard.
TO BE HEARD. Which voice? That’s the hardest part of it. Which voice should I follow? I’ve got lots of interests. I feel like I’m a jack of all trades, a master of none. I can do a lot of things—but I just know how to do them, never know how to do them expertly—not even one of them. Each interest just brings me to a wild fantasy and drives me to a near-perfect aspiration. There were times I was successful in realizing them; but many times, I failed—especially in things about my would-be career or profession, my future.
FUTURE. That is so hard to picture out. Only He knows exactly what it is. But I believe He gave us Free Will to do what we want, to shape our life the way we want to. His Will, though, shall be the Ultimate verdict. “It is God who directs the lives of his creatures; everyone’s life is in his power.” (Job 12:10) But He is Good. He let us do what we want so we must act. And what we do now will determine what we will become in the future. I know it’s not about being “someone” or being able to do “something” so praise-worthy that we ought to aim for, but rather, it’s about LIVING LIFE by doing that something He had made us capable of. And in that way, we can serve Him and ultimately when time comes, we can say to Him, “I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE.”
LIFE. It’s so big for a dreamer and so small for a quitter. Where am I right now? I’m in between and have since then been constantly hurled to and fro both ends. It’s miserable being at the middle, just wondering and thinking again and again what to do next so I can move forward. Although I feel so down many times, definitely I don’t want to quit. But when do I move on and which road shall I take? Will I forever be in this state or will I be able to get over this and finally get there. How I wish I know the answer. I hope.
HOPE. If I need to wander off to find the right way, then I would. If I need to take different roads to discover where I’m supposed to go, then I would. If takes TIME, then I’ll pay the price. But I certainly cannot afford to lose that thing keeps me going right now, hope.
PURPOSE. That word seems to be very difficult to understand or shall I say, to discriminate from other things that your heart desires—my heart desires. I have always been a dreamer. Since I was young (well, I’m still young. I mean back in the days when I can still go around the house just wearing my undies ;p), I have always found myself daydreaming. I imagined myself as an astronaut, a gymnast, a pilot, an architect, an engineer, a marine biologist, a novelist, lawyer, a writer-researcher, a traveler, a musician or composer and a dentist. And why not, of having my own family, a good husband and kids who are like my best friends, too (before, I used to dream of having just a son or daughter and no husband… I was man-hater then but that’s a different story). So anyway...BIG dreams they were! That’s one thing why kids are better of than grown ups. They’ve got lots of dreams and yes, confidence to dream BIG. They have FAITH.
FAITH. As I journeyed on and turned away from the colorful world of childhood, this just grew faint as well. Perhaps it’s because of other’s comments and insults. Though most of them were not meant to hurt me, they left a seemingly perpetual anguish inside. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I’m always scared to try, to take the challenge, to go for the win, though deep inside, an innate voice of a fighter, a dreamer and an idealist entreats to be heard.
TO BE HEARD. Which voice? That’s the hardest part of it. Which voice should I follow? I’ve got lots of interests. I feel like I’m a jack of all trades, a master of none. I can do a lot of things—but I just know how to do them, never know how to do them expertly—not even one of them. Each interest just brings me to a wild fantasy and drives me to a near-perfect aspiration. There were times I was successful in realizing them; but many times, I failed—especially in things about my would-be career or profession, my future.
FUTURE. That is so hard to picture out. Only He knows exactly what it is. But I believe He gave us Free Will to do what we want, to shape our life the way we want to. His Will, though, shall be the Ultimate verdict. “It is God who directs the lives of his creatures; everyone’s life is in his power.” (Job 12:10) But He is Good. He let us do what we want so we must act. And what we do now will determine what we will become in the future. I know it’s not about being “someone” or being able to do “something” so praise-worthy that we ought to aim for, but rather, it’s about LIVING LIFE by doing that something He had made us capable of. And in that way, we can serve Him and ultimately when time comes, we can say to Him, “I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE.”
LIFE. It’s so big for a dreamer and so small for a quitter. Where am I right now? I’m in between and have since then been constantly hurled to and fro both ends. It’s miserable being at the middle, just wondering and thinking again and again what to do next so I can move forward. Although I feel so down many times, definitely I don’t want to quit. But when do I move on and which road shall I take? Will I forever be in this state or will I be able to get over this and finally get there. How I wish I know the answer. I hope.
HOPE. If I need to wander off to find the right way, then I would. If I need to take different roads to discover where I’m supposed to go, then I would. If takes TIME, then I’ll pay the price. But I certainly cannot afford to lose that thing keeps me going right now, hope.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
The Ever-pretty Sailor Warriors.. (Diane and Camille are not in the photo)
Mt. MayonI've always been fascinated by Mayon Volcano and that makes me a proud Albayano. Though I see it everyday (except of course on cloudy and rainy days), its stunning beauty has never ceased to catch my attention, especially early in the morning when everything else is quiet and still. Hmmm.. I can imagine the misty morning air caressing my skin, radiant flowers everywhere and Mt. Mayon on the background. Life in the Province is perfect, isn’t it? At least for these simple yet delightful treasures, it is. :)
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Yes, finally I got a chance to start my blog! I’ve been planning to make my own for so long now, just can’t find time to sit and write. Well, I always had the time, or shall I say the “chance” to write; I’m just too lazy to flex my fingers and strike the keyboard. I’m not really used to writing down my thoughts—regularly—like keeping a diary or a journal, but I do have a simple notebook where I write down random thoughts, insights, poems, songs and anything that runs through my mind. I tried to keep a diary but eventually I lost the zeal to write down things that happen to me everyday. Okay, I admit, I’m too lazy to write! As Salvador P. Lopez said, “sloth is the only excuse a person…can validly give for being unable to write a fairly decent brand of speech.”
Anyways, here I am now…starting to write again…sharing my thoughts… revealing a part of my self…slowly coming out of my then ‘cloistered’ world. I’m not really so good with words—not that so good to call myself a “writer” much less, a superb conversationalist. I don’t talk that much but I can be surprisingly loquacious at times, especially with closest friends who can dance to my music. Yeah, I’m silent most of the time but my mind definitely isn’t. I’m much of a thinker (I’m not saying am a bit like Plato or Confucius, ’hope that term is acceptable though). I just have a penchant for ruminating on things…reading in between the lines…looking beyond the obvious…finding meaning beyond the literal. A friend of mine said I’m a puzzle. Maybe. Am fond of deciphering what’s hidden, searching for things lost, finding the truth. Call it love for poetry, which is for me, a noble art of re-forming truth.
Who is tinny? I can’t give you a virtually exact answer yet. Like most of young people my age, am still in the process of discovering things within my outside and my inner world. They say the longest journey is that towards your inner self. I think so too and I guess that journey takes a lifetime. However, even when we have already reached that ultimate end, I don’t think we can ever have a full knowledge of who we really are. We’re just human beings after all, we can’t know everything. Anyway, all I can say about myself is that I’m whole complex creature, a hybrid of all complexities and ironies. A paradox, that is. I can be apathetic and tough sometimes yet I can be so sensitive and weak. I can be energetic, passionate and hopeful yet dull, desperate and unmotivated sometimes. I can be kind and cruel too. I’m patient and persistent most of the time but I can get so impulsive and quick-tempered as well. Weird eh? Hahaha! Yeah, ‘am some kinda weird and unpredictable!
That’s it for now. I’ll write more soon. Thanks for dropping by and “listening” to my late cold night musings…hehehe. :)
Monday, November 22, 2004
The Lost Pages..
Here are the lost pages of my life.. thoughts that had crept into my consciousness, ideas that had tickled my mind, experiences that had touched my sensibilities and my heart.. things that had been left unsaid, yet like the lost pages of a book, they complete my story.
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